I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
