hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
