We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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