No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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