all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
