so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Randomize