Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I had to cum in my sink.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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