I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
