Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
