dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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