I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
