so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
