So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
