She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
