so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
