I think I won the penis lottery.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
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