i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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