She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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