He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
