she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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