If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
