There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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