this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
