had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
two words...techno handjob
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
