I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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