I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Randomize
