I could make wine with my vomit
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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