quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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