I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
