tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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