Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
