That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
