Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
