My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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