The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
