I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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