I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
