I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize