I'm so fucking centered right now
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
