If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
