Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
