A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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