I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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