yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I think my moral compass just broke
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