I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
