The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Send help, water and tortillas.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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