We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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