I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
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