I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
