i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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