ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show youâ€
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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