I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
