i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
