just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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