in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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