so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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