At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
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